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Title: Conflict in the Copulation House
Author: Aravis Tarkheena
Pairing: Dick/Tim
Rating: PG-13ish
Warnings: Eh, aliens maybe? Crack, probably.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Word Count: 3,600 or so. Came out to about 11 pages.
Author’s Notes: For ladymist. She requested, in fic_on_demand, Dick/Tim: unexpected marriage. I’m pretty sure this delivers. I would also like to note that my favorite part about this fic is the terrible title. It amuses me and it's almost as good as Knightly Makeouts. cmer's not the only one who can come up with awesome titles.




Conflict in the Copulation House

“So wait, uh, you’re telling us that we’re married?” Nightwing asked, his voice sounded a great deal higher than usual and sweat was visible on his upper lip.

“’Married?’” The alien, Unex, made the word an interrogative. “I don’t know married, but you are life bonded.” He beamed happily at the newlyweds.

“What exactly does ‘lifebonded’ entail?” Robin asked, voice even and face rigid. He’d hardly moved a muscle since their alien host had made the announcement, Cassie knew from experience that, when Robin went still, things were bad.

“It means you are devoted to each other fully.” Unex answered pleasantly. “You live together and support each other in all your life endeavors. You procreate and raise your offspring in a happy and loving environment.” The alien’s voice was light and sing song-y Cassie thought it was pretty soothing, but clearly Robin wasn’t feeling the same effect. She could see the knots in his shoulder muscles clean through his cape.

He hadn’t been too keen on this mission in the first place. His reluctance didn’t make much sense to Cassie, Robin had previously been pretty eager to help the Outsiders and team up. He used to talk about how working with older, more experienced, members of their community would be helpful and beneficial.

Recently, he had been less and less eager to work with other teams. Cassie had asked him about it several times and he kept saying that, until the Titans were cohesive again, working with other teams would only be a detriment to their progress. Cassie wasn’t entirely convinced that was true, but she was sure there was a reason Robin didn’t want to work with other teams, so she didn’t question it.

She was pretty sure he would now use this mission as an example of exactly why they shouldn’t do team ups for the foreseeable future.

When Kara had arrived at the Titans Tower, talking about genocide and the obliteration of a culture, Cassie knew that Tim wouldn’t allow that happen without at least attempting to help. She also knew that, in their present condidtion, the Titans alone were not enough to stop the slaughter on a global scale. Appeals to the Justice League and the Justice Society got them nowhere. Finally, as a last resort, Robin had contacted Arsenal. He had been eager to help.

The plans Robin and Arsenal had set went off without a hitch. It was the after part of their mission where things started going bad.

The Outsider’s space cruiser was damaged in the final battle with the, Itreb, the invading alien race, Robin and Arsenal were left to fix it. Unfortunatly, one of the pieces intregal to their space travel was badly damaged.

Two days ago Robin had declared the piece un-fixable and decided to go out among their new alien friends and try to find a new one. There was a pretty big blow out between Robin and Nightwing about Robin wanting to head off into an alien world all by himself. Eventually, clearly tired of fighting, Robin had agreed to take Nightwing with him so long as he promised not to speak.

Apparently, the two had been informed that the only way to get the item they needed was to have taken part in a particular ceremony. Robin had figured it was some type of legal procedure and had automatically agreed. Nightwing, trusting Robin’s instincts, went along with it.

It wasn’t until after the ceremony, when they were informed that they were not allowed to work for ten days because it was the pre-prescribed ‘copulation period’ that Nightwing and Robin realized things were not what they had assumed.

Cassie was surprised they were acting so calmly and mature about the whole thing, really. The two of them had been tense and jumpy around each other the entire mission. She hoped that, now they were united in a cause instead of vying for control, they would start to calm down around each other.

“Come, come.” Unex said happily, “We will take you to the marriage house.” He handed Robin a piece of paper that Robin glanced at before stuffing it into one of the pockets of his uniform.

Robin and Nightwing gave each other wry looks, but it was pretty clear they had no choice but to follow.

Robin turned back and glanced at Cassie. “We’ll be back as soon as we can. Tell Arsenal to keep working on the ship. And tell him that, what ever he does, do not, under any circumstances, agree to a ‘kufu’. Got that?”

“Got it boss.” Cassie said and tried not to smile. This was shaping up to be another one of those grand Titan adventures that they’ll laugh about for years.

Provided Nightwing and Robin don’t kill them all to ensure their silence.

*^*^*^

Tim slumped against the wall of their elaborately decorated ‘copulation chamber’ and tried not to pull his hair out. “Jesus Christ, we’re alien-married.”

Dick stalked to the other side of the room, clearly angry. “Why didn’t you tell them we’re brothers!? It’s probably void if we’re brothers!”

“Because you’re not my brother, Dick. What if they asked for DNA tests and caught us in a lie. You really want to explain the intricacies of the foster care system to our new alien friends.”

The aliens were, to say the least, a very stupid species. Tim wasn’t entirely sure if it he just didn’t understand them on some level, or if they really were that dumb. They reminded him a little of the Eloi from the Time Machine. Every time they said something, Tim wanted to bang his head against a wall.

“Well, what the hell are we going to do now?”

Tim sighed and reached for the door. “We ask to talk to Unex. We’ll explain we didn’t understand the ceremony and ask him to help us get out of this place.”

Tim pushed at the door to open it. It didn’t budge.

Tim pushed harder.

It still didn’t move. Something low in Tim’s stomach clenched.

“Uh, Dick?”

“What!?” Dick spun around, clearly angry with him.

“The, uh, the door won’t open.”

“What?” Dick asked flatly.

“The door won’t open.”

“Did you push it?”

Tim made a mean face. “Yes I pushed it, you moron. That’s how I know it won’t open.”

Dick strode angrily across the room and pushed at the door. Nothing happened.

He pushed at it again.

“It won’t open.” He said, clearly surprised.

“Wow, you figured that out all by yourself!?” Tim asked, voice cheerfully surprised.

Dick glared at him.

“Are you some kind of detective or something?” Tim asked, faux conspiratorially.

Dick glared at him.

“How do we get out? Windows?”

Tim gave him the patented ‘boy are you stupid’ look. “And that wouldn’t look at all suspicious. We could, and here’s a novel idea, call for help.

“Ok, fine. Damnit Tim. You don’t have to be such an asshole about it!”

“Oh yeah, and you’re just a model of decorum.” Tim said caustically before he began shouting for their host.

“Unex! Unex, are you there? We need your help!”

The door was opened by another of the Eloi and Tim stepped back. Where Unex had been pretty flabby and jovial, this guy was nothing but bulging muscles and a glare.

“Uh, hi.” Tim said.

“You require something?” The alien asked.

“Yeah, we wanted to talk to Unex…” Tim said.

“Impossible.” The burly alien intoned.

“Why?” Dick asked, butting in.”

“You are to be in isolation during the entire copulation period. I am here solely to provide you with the things you require to copulate such as food, water and bathing materials.”

“There’s no one else we can talk to?” Tim asked.

“No.”

“So it’s just the three of us for the ten days?” Dick inquired, he sounded worried.

“That is correct.”

“No, we can’t have that. We need to talk to Unex, this ‘lifetime bond’ thing was a mistake.”

The burly alien lifted an eyebrow at Dick. “The Great God does not make mistakes.”

“No, but we do!” Dick said. “And we need to fix it.”

“It was the Great God who made you marry.”

“Oh, and how did he do that?” Dick asked, caustically.

“By making you accept the proposal.” The alien said demurely.

Tim decided it was time to try a different track. “Listen—Um, what’s your name?”

The alien looked at him, calmly. “Yelir.” He responded.

“Yelir, we don’t understand much about the Great God, can you get us in contact with a priest who could explain things a little better?” Tim asked, hoping to get some sort of outside input on this.

“I would be happy to introduce you to a priest after the copulation period is over.”

Tim was back to wanting to rip his hair out. These people obviously had no concept of ‘moral relativity’ or ‘extenuating circumstances’.

Yelir turned to leave.

“Ah, wait—“ The door slammed in Tim’s face.

“Shit.” Dick swore.

Tim rubbed a hand over his face.

“So what do we do now, Boy Genius.”

Tim whirled on Dick. “I’m thinking.” He hissed.

Dick laughed. “Oh great, now you start thinking. Don’t you think it would have been a better idea to start that up before we got alien-married?”

Tim glared at him. “I didn’t ask you to tag along and play baby sitter.”

“You didn’t have to! If you do something as monumentally stupid as getting us ET-hitched when I’m around, imagine what would have happened to you if I’d stuck back at the cruiser!”

“Yeah,” Tim said sarcastically, “I may have successfully negotiated for the part we needed without any unwarranted interruptions or distractions. Imagine how horrible that would have been.”

“You know what your problem is little brother, you’re head’s grown faster than the rest of you.” Dick hissed at him.

“Wow, I’m surprised you managed to take yours out of your ass long enough to notice.” Tim shot back and locked himself in the bathroom.

The next three days went by excruciatingly slowly. Yelir brought they food four times a day and each time Tim tried to negotiate, manipulate, and demand his way out of the Copulation House, Yelir was immovable. Either he was too stupid to understand what Tim was trying to get, or he was too smart to be manipulated.

Either way, Tim was stymied at every turn.

Dick’s mood turned fouler and fouler by the minute and they’d fought so often in the past few days that Tim’s throat was sore from the constant yelling.

Tim was emotionally rung out from the fights, physically rung out because he couldn’t sleep with a fuming Dick two feet away, and mentally rung out from trying to figure a way out of this. He hated to admit it, even to himself, but he really wanted to cry right now.

Not that he would. The acoustics in this place were pretty insane. Tim could hear Dick brushing his teeth when he was clear across the room. It made for very little privacy.

Yelir had brought them a change of clothes on their first night, at least, so they hadn’t had to sit around in body armor and capes. Though, it seemed odd to be around Dick in civilian clothes again. It had been a long time since they spent any time together outside of work.

The one concession that Yelir had made for Tim was bringing him his lap top from the cruiser. Tim had explained that they couldn’t spend all their time ‘copulating’ and Tim didn’t want to be bored. Yelir saw the wisdom in this and brought the lap top.

Tim had started trying to decode their ‘marriage certificate’ the minute Yelir had left the room. It gave him something to think about other than Dick glaring a hole in the back of his head and Tim was pretty sure he’d be able to find a loop hole in the wording if he could just understand what was written.

He worked on it for hours at a time, until Dick complained about the light and needing sleep. Tim would glare at him then, and go to sleep for a few hours.

Even with his new pet project, time passed slowly for Tim. He couldn’t even imagine what Dick was going through with nothing to do all day. Sometimes he played around in the room, doing backflips and handsprings and literally climbing the walls. Tim always had to mentally force himself not to watch and to focus on his self-appointed task.

Tim had always loved to see Dick in action. It was what had drawn his attention to Dick in the first place, when he was a little boy. It seemed that some obsessions died hard, even after years of an unfulfilling relationship.

They were approaching day six when the big blow up occurred. Tim had never been as angry with a person in his life, as he was with Dick right now. Dick seemed to feel the same way and Tim was thinking they were going to come to blows pretty soon when Yelir burst through the doors of their rooms.

“Why are you doing this?” He asked, evenly.

“Jesus!” Tim couldn’t take it anymore. “We’re yelling because we’re angry!”

“I know you are angry, I know are hurt, and confused, and worried, and sad, and inhibited by grief and pain such as I have never experienced before.” Yelir said, almost sadly.

Tim stopped short. “And how would you know all these things?” He asked, still panting from fight adrenaline.

Yelir blinked at him. “I am an Empath. We all are.”

“An Empath?” Dick asked.

“You can feel our emotions?” Tim asked, outraged.

“Yes.” Yelir said evenly.

“Then why would you put us together like this when you know we’re angry with each other.”

Yelir considered Tim and Dick for a moment before answering. “Because you need each other. This anger is superficial. It is based on misunderstandings and unfounded feelings of betrayal. The deeper feelings you have for one another are your true feelings.”

Tim and Dick just stared at him.

“You are very stupid not to have realized this on your own. A child could figure that out.” Yelir said disapprovingly and left the room.

Neither of them said anything for a while. Tim walked over to the bed and sunk down on it tiredly, as he tried to process the information he had just received.

“You think I betrayed you?” Dick voice came from across the room. It was low, quiet; as if he said the words too loudly they might actually be true.

Tim sighed. “You left Dick. I needed you and you left.”

Dick whirled around to face Tim and there were tears in his eyes. “What was I supposed to do?” He asked, and his voice was low and bitter. Tim had never heard Dick sound like that before. “After Kon died, you just shut down. Like he was the be all and end all of your life. Like no one else could ever come close to being what he was to you. You just—“ Dick broke off and looked away.

Something shot through Tim’s chest at Dick’s words, he was having trouble breathing, trouble focusing.

“What are you even talking about, Dick? My best friend died. I needed to process—“

“You came to me when you needed to process Steph. You came to me when you needed to process your Dad. Or wasn’t it me? Was it actually Kon?”

“You’re upset with me for breaking down because of Kon?”

“I’m upset with you for not coming to me!”

“You weren’t around!”

“I called! I would have come. When have I ever, ever not been there when you needed me Tim? Ever” Dick’s eyes were wild and stalked over to the bed to look directly down at Tim.

“When you left for New York, you just weren’t around anymore.” Tim hated how tired and pathetic his voice sounded. “I guess I just got out of the habit of asking.”

Dick sprawled out on the bed next time, and for the first time in seven days he wasn’t deliberately not touching Tim.

Tears were streaming down the corners of Dick’s eyes now and his voice was raw and harsh. “I’m sorry I left. I’m sorry.”

Tim rolled over and curled himself into Dick, he buried his face into Dick’s shoulder. “I’m sorry I stopped trying.”

Things went better after that. There were no more shouting matches and at night, they lay curled together in their large marriage bed. Yelir seemed less annoyed with them now, but Tim could tell something was still troubling him.

It was their eighth day locked up that Yelir finally snapped. “You have two days left. Two days! Why do you not fulfill your marriage duties!?” His voice was accusatory.

Tim raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re the empathy, you must realize that the feelings that Dick and I have for each other are more ‘brotherly’ than ‘husbandly’.”

Yelir scoffed. “Your feelings for each other are hardly ‘brotherly’. Brothers do not feel this same love and connection. Brothers do not feel the need to protect and guard each other the way you do. Brothers do not wish to copulate with each other!”

Dick started in, “I don’t want to—“ Yelir gave him a significant look and Dick blushed and went quite.

“Wait, what?” Tim’s brain was having a hard time catching up with the conversation. Half of it was still on the certificate translations he’d been working when Yelir came in the room with their food.

Yelir gave them both a look that made it clear he thought they were both idiots.

Tim looked up at Dick. “Ok, so I see no point in denying my glaringly obvious pre-pubescent crush on you. I also have no problem admitting that it may have carried over into late adolescence, but I’m having a hard time figuring this out from your angle.”

“Well, I’ve always liked the way you thought and…” Dick shrugged. “You grew up pretty.”

Tim laughed at that. He laughed so hard his sides ached and he fell out of his chair and onto the floor. He laughed so hard that when he opened his eyes to see Dick standing over him grinning in a way that he knew meant sex, there were tears in his eyes.

“I grew up pretty, huh?” Tim asked, still smiling.

Dick smiled back at him and picked him up off the floor. “You sure as hell did, little brother. You sure as hell did.”

Dick proceeded to spend the next several hours showing Tim just how pretty he thought Tim had gotten.

Tim imagined that Yelir was feeling pretty smug at the moment.

Tim didn’t spend much time on his translations the next two days. He and Dick just waited it out until Yelir and Unex showed up to bring them back to the ship along with the part the needed to take off.

It took Tim and Arsenal less than fifteen minutes to install it and run a systems check before they were ready to go.

Dick and Tim bid a fond farewell to Yelir and Unex and promised to come back and visit. Of course, none of the Titans, or the Outsiders for that matter, had any intention of coming back. They had an ok time on the planet, but they told Tim and Dick that they were pretty sure the aliens were physic or something and it weird most of them out.

M’gann was the first of them to congratulate them on their marriage. The rest of the crew thought it was a great joke and they all joined in. There was a small marriage party on the way back home, but Dick and Tim delt with it gracefully and no heads were smashed. Though there was a close call when Roy asked when he got to take the garter off of Tim’s thigh. Tim was pretty sure Dick would have hit Roy if he hadn’t interceded.

Near miss, that.

By the time they had gotten back to Earth, the whole ‘marriage’ issue had nearly been forgotten.

So when they returned to New York, more to the point, to Dick’s apartment in New York, Tim wasn’t entirely surprised when Dick asked sheepishly. “Want to burn it?” He was holding up the crumpled certificate that Unex had handed to them again before they boarded their cruiser for the last time.

They hadn’t, actually, talked about how far their new relationship was going to go and what the long term implications of it were.

“I know how you feel about marriage, what with how your Dad and mom handled, it and all…” Dick trailed off.

Tim plucked the bit of parchment from his husband’s fingers. “No, I think I’ll keep it.” He smirked at Dick. “Just incase you try to run off again.”

Dick pulled Tim into his arms and kissed him softly, their marriage certificate crinkling between them “No Timmy, I can safely promise you that I will never run off again.”

“Mmmmm.” Tim hummed happily. “That’s good, because this little piece of paper says that you have to give me three fourths of your internal organs if you leave me.” He batted his eyes prettily at Dick. “A girl’s got to eat, you know.”

“You’re kidding.”

Tim danced out of Dick’s arms and smirked playfully at him. “Come and find out.”

Dick never could figure out how to translate the certificate. Tim still insisted that it really did say he had to give Tim most of his internal organs if he left, but Dick still wasn’t entirely sure.

All he knew was that when he looked up to see the crinkled, battered, slightly charred piece of paper that hung, beautifully framed, on their living room wall, a warm sense of rightness filled his chest and he always got the urge to go kiss his husband.

Sequel: As Long as I Get the Liver

Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
stalinglim
Mar. 7th, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
ROFL and pointing!!!

Omg, that's GREAT. I looove it.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 8th, 2008 03:01 am (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! :DD
greeneyelove
Mar. 7th, 2008 11:52 pm (UTC)
You have an amazing way of making me laugh and cry. I adore this. Poor Yelir! He had his hands full. I'm surprised he didn't strangle them. LOL. This was wonderful.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 8th, 2008 03:02 am (UTC)
It's Tim and Dick, they bring it out in me. I'm glad you liked it. Yeah, I admired Yelir's patience. He's a trooper.
darthbatgirl
Mar. 8th, 2008 12:24 am (UTC)
The poor boys "giggles". This was wonderful, Tim mad at Dick leaving, Dick jealous of Kon, Roy wanting to take the garter off. The only thing missing was Bruce's reaction.

Wonderful job.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 8th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
It's funny you should mention Bruce's reaction. I have it all written up for another prompt. I'll post it around midnight. :D

I'm glad you liked it. It was so silly...
ladymist
Mar. 8th, 2008 12:52 am (UTC)
YAY!!!! *Huggles you until your face turns blue*

I didn't think anybody would do it, especially not someone who's writing I absolutely adore anyway.

“You are very stupid not to have realized this on your own. A child could figure that out.” Yelir said disapprovingly and left the room.

Yes, Yelir, but those children have not be raised by the Batman. Though, now I'm wondering what Bruce's reaction was?

This was sooooo much better than what I had in mind when I wrote that prompt. The whole thing was absolutely wonderful. Thank you for writing my prompt!
aravistarkheena
Mar. 8th, 2008 03:05 am (UTC)
Grah! *hugs back*

I'm glad you liked it! I had a feeling this wasn't exactly what you wanted, but I was amused by the idea so I hope you like it anyway. :D

Bruce's reaction is coming up. I wrote it for another prompt for fic_on_demand. I'll post it around midnight.
gottaluvit123
Mar. 8th, 2008 04:42 am (UTC)
Holy crap, this was the AWSOMEST! *okay, so technically 'awsomest isn't a word, but you get my meaning.*

I Laughed out loud in places, then had a hard time convincing my 8 year old that it was a funny story that mummy couldn't really read to her.

Excellent work!
aravistarkheena
Mar. 8th, 2008 06:21 am (UTC)
I read you loud and clear. I'm glad I could make you laugh, but I feel bad for your poor out of the loop daughter.
amarin_rose
Mar. 9th, 2008 07:38 am (UTC)
That was nice. I could tell it was supposed to be funny, but even with the obvious plot device of Empaths, Dick and Tim needed to have this talk, and I'm glad they did. Also, the ending was so sweet.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 9th, 2008 09:02 am (UTC)
The whole thing was just TERRIBLE wasn't it? :DD I wanted it to seem like all the worst episodes of Star Trek TOS mixed into one terrible fic. :D

I suspect I succeeded. Empaths. :D
saavikam77
Mar. 11th, 2008 04:50 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeee!!! XD Gods, I loved this!! I love their total shock at each turn, finding out they were married, then that the aliens were empaths, then that they really did want to sleep together. XD Of course they couldn't help but acknowledge the last! Hehe.. ^_~

*snuggles them* This was so perfect.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 11th, 2008 08:33 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it! :D
ficwize
Mar. 12th, 2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
OMG! I laughed a lot reading this. And I'm going pretty much straight to the sequel from here, too.

But the thought of accidental marriage is an awesome plot device and one which I love so much it hurts. In this case, it blended perfectly with the fact that Tim and Dick really did need to have it out.

The bit about Kon actually brought tears to my eyes. Beautiful.
aravistarkheena
Mar. 12th, 2008 09:17 pm (UTC)
The accidental marriage thing totally made me think of Star Trek. I had to make it as crazy as I possibly could. >:D

I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
superfixated
Mar. 14th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)
LOL!! I loved this! It was so cute! Dick and Tim bantering and flirting like crazy while they're ET-married. *snickers* What awesome crack. I also enjoyed a lot of the continuity you put in from the comics, which felt like a bonus for me.

These birds are SO married, no matter how people write them. Brotherly love, my ass. Can't fool the fangirls, DC. :D
aravistarkheena
Mar. 15th, 2008 07:55 am (UTC)
They really are just adorable together. The way they interact is so affectionate and cute. <3

I'm glad you liked it, even though it was totally bizarre.
lengyuzhiwu
Jun. 28th, 2014 03:31 pm (UTC)
Hi dear,I don't know if you will return the lJ,but I want to leave a message ,would you mind if I translate this fic into Chinese because I love it and I want share it with my friends :D
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )

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